Attachment Styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant

Attachment Styles: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotions that develop in early childhood and continue into adulthood. They are shaped by our interactions with our caregivers, and they influence how we perceive ourselves and others, as well as how we approach relationships.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style feel confident that their needs will be met in relationships. They are able to trust and rely on their partners, and they feel comfortable expressing their emotions openly. Securely attached people are also comfortable giving and receiving love.

Anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style are unsure whether their needs will be met in relationships. They may worry that their partners will abandon them or reject them. Anxiously attached people often seek reassurance and validation from their partners, and they may be clingy or demanding.

Avoidant attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. They may distance themselves from their partners emotionally or physically. Avoidantly attached people may also minimize the importance of relationships or avoid them altogether.

Disorganized attachment

People with a disorganized attachment style have a mixture of anxious and avoidant behaviors. They may crave intimacy and closeness, but they also fear it. Disorganizedly attached people may have difficulty trusting others and forming stable relationships.

How attachment styles affect relationships

Attachment styles can have a significant impact on our relationships. Securely attached people are more likely to have happy and fulfilling relationships. They are able to communicate effectively, resolve conflict constructively, and support each other through difficult times.

Anxiously and avoidantly attached people may struggle in relationships. Anxiously attached people may be too demanding or needy, while avoidantly attached people may be too distant or withdrawn. Both of these attachment styles can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction in relationships.

Changing attachment styles

Attachment styles are relatively stable over time, but they can change with new experiences and relationships. For example, an anxiously attached person may develop a more secure attachment style if they are in a long-term relationship with a supportive partner.

If you are struggling in your relationships due to your attachment style, there are things you can do to change it. One helpful strategy is to identify your attachment style and learn about its characteristics. Once you understand your attachment style, you can start to challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about relationships.

Another helpful strategy is to develop new coping mechanisms for dealing with conflict and intimacy. For example, if you are anxiously attached, you may learn to ask for reassurance in a healthy way. If you are avoidantly attached, you may learn to open up to your partner and share your emotions more freely.

If you are struggling to change your attachment style on your own, you may want to consider working with a therapist. A therapist can help you understand your attachment style and develop strategies for changing it.

Conclusion

Attachment styles are an important part of our relationships. By understanding our own attachment style and the attachment styles of others, we can improve our communication, resolve conflict more effectively, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Examples of each attachment style

Here are some examples of each attachment style:

Secure attachment

• A securely attached person might feel comfortable sharing their feelings and needs with their partner.

• They might be able to trust their partner to be there for them, and they might be able to give their partner space when needed.

• They might have a positive view of themselves and others, and they might be able to form and maintain healthy relationships.

Anxious attachment

• An anxiously attached person might worry about being abandoned or rejected by their partner.

• They might be clingy or needy, and they might constantly seek reassurance.

• They might have difficulty expressing their emotions, or they might fear intimacy.

• They might have a negative view of themselves, and they might believe that they are not worthy of love.

Avoidant attachment

• An avoidantly attached person might be uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness.

• They might push their partners away, or they might keep their emotions to themselves.

• They might have difficulty trusting others, or they might believe that they don't need anyone.

• They might have a positive view of themselves, and they might believe that they are better off alone.

Disorganized attachment

• A person with disorganized attachment might have a mixture of anxious and avoidant behaviors.

• They might have difficulty regulating their emotions, and they might have a history of trauma or abuse.

• They might have a negative view of themselves and others, and they might have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Here are some specific examples of how each attachment style might manifest in a relationship:

Secure attachment

• A securely attached person might be able to tell their partner that they need some space without worrying that their partner will be upset or angry.

• They might be able to ask for help when they need it, and they might be able to trust their partner to be there for them.

• They might be able to forgive their partner when they make mistakes, and they might be able to move on from conflict.

Anxious attachment

• An anxiously attached person might constantly ask their partner for reassurance, such as asking if their partner still loves them or if they are going to break up with them.

• They might have difficulty trusting their partner, and they might become jealous or suspicious easily.

• They might have difficulty expressing their emotions, or they might have tantrums or outbursts when they feel overwhelmed.

Avoidant attachment

• An avoidantly attached person might push their partner away when they feel close or intimate.

• They might be reluctant to talk about their feelings, and they might keep their partner at a distance.

• They might have difficulty committing to a relationship, and they might be afraid of being abandoned or rejected.

Disorganized attachment

• A person with disorganized attachment might have difficulty regulating their emotions, and they might have outbursts of anger or sadness.

• They might have difficulty trusting others, and they might have a history of trauma or abuse.

• They might have difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships, and they might have a pattern of cycling in and out of relationships.

It is important to remember that everyone is different, and there is no one right way to be attached to someone. However, understanding attachment styles can help you to better understand yourself and your relationships. If you are struggling with your attachment style, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor.

How to change specific attachment styles

Changing your attachment style is not easy, but it is possible. Here are some tips for changing each attachment style:

Anxious attachment

• Identify your triggers. What are the things that typically make you feel anxious in your relationships? Once you know your triggers, you can start to develop strategies for coping with them.

• Challenge your negative thoughts. When you have an anxious attachment style, you may tend to have negative thoughts about yourself and your relationships. Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if there is any evidence to support them.

• Practice self-compassion. It is important to be kind and understanding towards yourself, even when you make mistakes. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect.

• Set boundaries. It is important to set boundaries with your partner, especially if they are not meeting your needs. This will help you to feel more in control of your relationship.

• Seek professional help. If you are struggling to change your attachment style on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Avoidant attachment

• Explore your fear of intimacy. Why are you afraid of intimacy? What are you worried about? Once you understand your fears, you can start to work on overcoming them.

• Challenge your negative beliefs about relationships. Do you believe that relationships are too much work or that you are better off alone? Challenge these beliefs by asking yourself if there is any evidence to support them.

• Practice self-disclosure. One of the best ways to build intimacy is to self-disclose to your partner. This means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with them.

• Seek out supportive relationships. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and understanding. This can help you to feel more comfortable with intimacy and closeness.

• Seek professional help. If you are struggling to change your attachment style on your own, consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

Disorganized attachment

• Work on regulating your emotions. People with disorganized attachment often have difficulty regulating their emotions. This can lead to impulsive behaviors and relationship problems. There are a number of different techniques that you can learn to help you regulate your emotions, such as mindfulness and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

• Build a secure relationship with a therapist. A therapist can provide you with a safe and supportive space to explore your attachment style and work on healing from any trauma or abuse that you have experienced.

• Join a support group. There are support groups available for people with disorganized attachment. This can be a helpful way to connect with others who understand what you are going through and to learn from their experiences.

It is important to remember that changing your attachment style takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don't give up. With the right support, you can develop a more secure attachment style and have more fulfilling relationships.

Resources

Here are some resources to help you learn more about attachment styles:

• Books:

  • Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. Heller

  • Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate by Stan Tatkin, PsyD

  • Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

• Websites:

  • Attachment Project

  • Gottman Institute

  • Psychology Today

• Articles:

  • What is Attachment Theory? by Psychology Today

  • The Four Attachment Styles by Psych Central

  • How to Identify Your Attachment Style by Verywell Mind

• Podcasts:

  • Attachment Theory with Dr. Dan Siegel

  • Secure Relationships with Dr. Sue Johnson

  • The Gottman Institute Podcast

You can also find a therapist or counselor who specializes in attachment theory to help you learn more about your attachment style and how it affects your relationships.